


but if the world ends, i hope i'm in my living room with best friends.

by luxuryproblems



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Coming Out, Drug Mentions, Group chat, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Underage Drinking, everyone is ooc, hey this is gonna be stupid and lighthearted, i have a soft spot for group chat fics see: my wattpad, simon and bram are oblivious that they're mutually in love with each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-04-22 23:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 16,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14319102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxuryproblems/pseuds/luxuryproblems
Summary: The gang (and Martin) have a group science project due in two months. Simon decides to add them all to a group chat to keep in contact.





	1. simon says has created a new chat!

**Author's Note:**

> hey uh. im gonna regret this in about two month but hello! i have a really soft spot for group chat fics (as seen on my wattpad (@luxuryproblems)) and i also have a soft spot for the simonverse. 
> 
> title from living room song by the wonder years
> 
> lowercase intended where put. capitalization intended where put. not set in a specific universe.

simon says has created a new chat!

simon says has added Abby Suso, leah!!, nick einstein, and green grass to the chat! Say hi!

simon says: hewwo

Abby Suso: Please never speak to me again. 

simon says: ): 

leah!!: no bullying! 

nick einstein: bullying thrives in this chat what are you talking about

nick einstein: wait where's martin

simon says: do we? have to add him?

leah!!: he is... in our group si...

simon says: yeah but like

simon says: do we have to

Abby Suso: Does anyone have his number?

simon says: oh yeah i have his number i just really didn't want to add him

green grass: wait DONT

simon says has added Martin A. to the chat! Say hi! 

green grass has removed Martin A. from the chat! 

nick einstein: greenfeld what the Fuck

green grass: please dont add my weed dealer to the chat

simon says: wow we stan a drug boy

Abby Suso: Bram, why are you smoking weed?

green grass: i don't.

simon says: "grass"

green grass: fuck u

green grass: i buy it from him for a dumb low price

green grass: and i also bake

green grass: and you can put two and two together

leah!!: bram is this why whenever im late to parties all ur "out of this world" brownies are gone

green grass: ya lmao

Abby Suso: Now is not the time for weed brownies, people! Martin knows about science and we're all dumb! 

green grass: fine

simon says: sigh

simon says has added Martin A. to the chat! Say hi!


	2. martin calls bram a thot

Martin A.: Why was I added then immediately removed.

green grass: hi martin nice to talk to you too

Martin A.: Shut up, thot.

simon says: GYUSDJGGSGBFKU

simon says changed the name of the group to: bram the thot.

Abby Suso: There is absolutely no way that Martin just called Bram a thot. 

nick einstein: martin do you... know what that means

leah!!: lemme move my bang so i can read that again

Martin A.: You all hate me and I have a certain dislike for several of you. Can I leave now?

nick einstein: are you gonna participate in the project??

Martin A.: Yeah. I'm not down to fail a project.

Abby Suso: I guess you can leave?

Martin A.: Bye, losers. And thots.

Martin A. has left the chat!

simon says: i know my typing is calm but i'm actually about to pass out from martin calling bram a thot

green grass: i hate him so much

green grass: fuck now he's texting me telling me to add him back

\---

Martin A.: Add me back to the chat, Greenfeld. You guys will probably pull something to get me in trouble.

green grass: we're not all assholes martin but okay

\---

simon says: please don't

Abby Suso: Please don't.

leah!!: please don't

nick einstein: please dont

green grass: i really dont want to

green grass: but im also really not tryna have him all up on my dick so

green grass has added Martin A. to the chat! Say hi! 

simon says: die please bram

Martin A.: Are you guys gonna try to pull some shit if I'm not in the chat all the time?

Abby Suso: No.

Martin A.: Okay. I'll work on the project on my own time. If you guys get shit done, fine, I'll edit it if needed. If not, cool. But if I get a phone call saying that I am not participating in this project, I will eat all of you.

Martin A. has left the chat!

simon says: vore

leah!!: with simon's comment i don't know who i hate more


	3. three am thots

nick einstein: bram came over with no warning and i wont let him in and he keeps looking to my window and vaping

nick einstein: his vape smells like cotton candy im gonna cry

nick einstein: is this what a horror movie in 2018 is

nick einstein: happy three am thots

nick einstein: someone please come collect their mans

simon says: im on my way

nick einstein: please drive here and come get the mans

simon says: im gonna get my ass analyzed by my mom when i come back at four in the morning with a mango la croix and a friend 

nick einstein: then dont get the la croix

nick einstein: just get the friend

nick einstein: please save me

leah!!: can yall like

leah!!: idk

leah!!: go the fuck to bed

nick einstein: suck pee pee leah

simon says: nick im down the block

nick einstein: HOW THEFUCK YOU GET HERE SO FAST

simon says: this really cool thing called driving

nick einstein: dont text and drive

simon says: red lights exist

leah!!: we stan a sassy mans

nick einstein: just come collect bram please

nick einstein: bram is off my property

green grass: hey nick die

nick einstein: hey bram stop vaping on my lawn

green grass: try to stop me

nick einstein: i might not be able to 

nick einstein: but you are in simon's car and off my property

nick einstein: so i win eat ass


	4. simon and his mom have something in common.

simon says: I CAME BACK WITH NO FRIEND AND NO LA CROIX AND NOW IM GROUNDED

simon says: A BITCH IS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM FROM HIS MOM

simon says: she's taking my phone for a week finna jump

nick einstein: ur mom gay

simon says: wow now i know where i get it

green grass: LMAO

nick einstein: HAHAH

nick einstein: HOLD UP

nick einstein: WAIT WAIT WAIT

green grass: IM SORRY WHAT

leah!!: SIMON

leah!!: SIMON YOU STAY ON THE DAMN PHONE AND COME BACK

leah!!: WAS THAT A JOKE

simon says: (; 

leah!!: S I M O N

Abby Suso: SIMON SPIER YOU FUCKING ASS GET BACK HERE I JUST WOKE UP FOR THIS SHIT

nick einstein: NOW WE KNOW THIS GOTTA BE LEGIT IF ABBY BROKE HER PERFECT GRAMMAR RULE

Abby Suso: FUCK GRAMMAR SIMON OUT HERE COMING OUT AT THREE IN THE MORNING

simon says has changed his display name to: simon says he's gay!

simon says he's gay has left the chat!

green grass: THIS WAS

green grass: SO MUCH? 

leah!!: oh my god simon just came out in the middle of the night to us, this grand total of four people

leah!!: we are bonded by blood now

green grass: true gang


	5. vegas

green grass: alright ladies and gents

green grass: yall three gotta fuckin help me

green grass: it's the next morning and simon isnt back in the chat that means his mom is for real 

green grass: which means i have an opportunity to drag him

leah!!: here's what we finna not do

leah!!: don't bully my son please

green grass: im not actually going to drag him i'm just trying to get everyone's attention

nick einstein: as his dad i give full permission for you to drag my kid

Abby Suso: As step-mom, I too give my blessing to drag Simon. 

nick einstein: abby is back to no more yelling ): i miss my yelling wife

green grass: first of all im kinkshaming yall

green grass: second of all what happens in this chat stays in this chat

green grass changed the name of the group from bram the thot to vegas gang.

green grass: we are now in vegas

green grass: WHAT HAPPENS HERE STAYS HERE

leah!!: oh i know what's coming

leah!!: now i just wait for it

Abby Suso: IM READY. Friggin large popcorn! Hot dog! Damn slurpy dammit! Don't talk to me when I sit down to watch this! Don't touch me! Don't breathe in my direction! This is it!

green grass: no offense but the fact that you had that saved and ready to go makes me wanna jump

nick einstein: BRAM JUST SPILL IT WHO DO YOU LIKE THAT SIMON WOULD SHIT ON YOU FOR

green grass: nick. please open your eyes

green grass: i like? simon? 

nick einstein: OH FUCK

nick einstein: god i really am blind 

nick einstein: OKAY BUT WHY HOW WHERE WHEN WHY HOW 

Abby Suso: You said why and how twice and missed who and what. 

nick einstein: Babe I Know What I Said

green grass: so first of all im gay as well and that's what we finna push to the side because i am deeply in love with one of my best friends

leah!!: i support u dad

green grass: thank you my spawn

Abby Suso: We love a gay icon!

green grass: so i like simon because he's funny and sweet and considerate and he's Wow really cute and the way his eyes shine when he smiles and ilove his butt and his face and how he hates movies and how he loves musicals and i love that gay little green sweatshirt he wears and

green grass: i need to take a deep breath im finna cry

nick einstein: we finna calm down bram we know you're gay and that's chill and we support you but this is really gay

green grass: ur mom gay

leah!!: wow dragged!! 

green grass: anyway when he gets back to the chat will yall like

green grass: 1) not make it obvious but 2) help me win his heart

leah!!: hell yeah

Abby Suso: You're goddamn right we're gonna help!

nick einstein: i just want my two dads together and happy i gotta help


	6. off of house arrest

Private message between simon says he's gay and Abby Suso! 

simon says he's gay: I ADDED YOU INTO THE CHAT FIRST WHICH MEANS SINCE I LEFT UR ADMIN NOW

simon says he's gay: PLEASE LET ME BACK IN

Abby Suso: I got you!

\---

Abby Suso: HE'S BACK TWO DAYS EARLY

leah!!: DAD

nick einstein: EVERYONE REMAIN CALM

nick einstein: *BRAM NOT EVERYONE

Abby Suso has added simon says he's gay to the chat! Say hi!

green grass: HEY NICK DIE

simon says he's gay: GUESS WHO'S HOME

leah!!: DAD'S HOME

simon says he's gay has changed his display name to: simon says!

simon says: im really not tryna be completely out to the whole school if anyone finds my kik but HELLO

green grass: understandable WE MISSED YOU BITCH!!

simon says: I MISSED YOU TOO BITCH!!

Abby Suso: Are you off of house arrest and can come to dinner with us tonight? Tonight's special is just the sides at Waffle House.

simon says: you bet your fucking ass im off house arrest let's go cucks what time

nick einstein: we'll pick you up whenever we feel like it

simon says: dope

nick einstein: yeah simon

simon says: ?

nick einstein: we're outside. two pm dinner let's go we're eighty now

simon says: hey die


	7. simon says, mr. simon says

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LOL so i decided last minute that this is gonna have Some actual chapters in it so i can make this a little more understandable

Private message between green grass and leah!!! 

leah!!: LISTEN TO ME

green grass: its 3 in the morning on a wednesday?

leah!!: DID I STUTTER

leah!!: please listen to me

green grass: i am listening

green grass: my ears are open

green grass: type faster please

leah!!: okay so simon likes spontaneous plans because it gets him all pumped and shit so text him right now because he's up doing his fucking english homework and tell him you're gonna take him to the fair and beat his ass at balloon darts because he is competitive and will say yes without hesitation

leah!!: i love planning dates please trust me on this ive known simon Too Long

green grass: aight bet

\--

Private message between green grass and simon says!

green grass: wanna play a game of simon says mr. simon says

simon says: let's fuckin do it

green grass: simon says go to the fair with me

simon says: well im simon and i didnt say that 

simon says: but

simon says: i am fuckin in

green grass: im gonna beat your ass in balloon darts

simon says: IT IS FUCKING ON BITCH

green grass: do it beat me u wont

simon says: im gonna roundhouse kick you and hurt ur hands so ur aim is bad

green grass: i dont see how that will work

green grass: finna throw the darts with my mouth

simon says: DIE BRAM

green grass: ill pick you up on friday at 

green grass: let's say seven? 

simon says: pick me up at six and we'll fight in the parking lot before i kick ur ass in balloon darts

simon says: (this means pls pick me up at six so i can treat us to iced coffee)

green grass: bet im gonna body slam you on the concrete

green grass: (bet let's fuckin do it)

\---

Private message between green grass and leah!!!

green grass: BITCH

green grass: IT WORKED

green grass: I LOVE YOU?

leah!!: I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK I LOVE YOU TOO

leah!!: DONT TRY TO START AN OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP ON THIS FIRST 'DATE' OR HE'S FINNA BE LIKE W H A T 

leah!!: HE FINNA BOOK IT OUT OF THERE

green grass: GOT IT GOT IT THANKY OU


	8. simon has some more revealing information.

Private message between green grass and Abby Suso!

green grass: SO I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE JUST ASKED SIMON ON A SORT OF DATE

Abby Suso: OH FUCK

green grass: SPREAD THAT TO NICK BUT NOT LEAH SHE GAVE ME THE ADVICE SHE KNOWS ALREADY I HAVE TO GO

Abby Suso: FUCK OKAY I GOT IT

\---

Private message between Abby Suso and nick einstein!

Abby Suso: CODE RED THIS IS NOT A DRILL BRAM ASKED SIMON ON A SORT OF DATE

nick einstein: HOLY SHIT WHERE HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS

Abby Suso: HE JUST TOLD ME NICK 

nick einstein: DOES SIMON EVEN KNOW THAT BRAM'S GAY 

nick einstein: BRAM CAME OUT WHEN SIMON WAS OUT OF THE CHAT

Abby Suso: OH MY GOD SIMON THINKS THIS IS A FRIEND DATE

Abby Suso: FUCK

\---

green grass: I FINNA GOTTA BLAST OUT THE CHAT BECAUSE MY MOM NEEDS TO USE MY PHONE FOR A FEW HOURS AND IM NOT TRYNA HAVE HER FIND MY SHIT 

green grass: ADD ME BACK TONIGHT AT LIKE NINE

green grass has left the chat!

simon says: THAT WAS A LOT

simon says: what do u think he has that he doesnt want his mom to find on this app

Abby Suso: Dick pics.

leah!!: his own dick pics.

nick einstein: my dick pics

simon says: okay guys jesus christ

simon says: anyway who wants to play Who Does Simon Have A Crush On

simon says: Hint: It's Bram

leah!!: BITHCYOU WHAT

leah!!: you dropped. two massive things on us in like. a week can we have two seconds to recover.

Abby Suso: My family is thriving off of this news, Simon. Thank you for the life of my family.

nick einstein: thanks for my life mother

leah!!: okay but

leah!!: gotta ask who what where when why how

simon says: this aint no fuckin english class im not writing an essay

simon says: but yeah i really like bram i think he's a really nice guy and he's always been cool to me before and after coming out and ive kinda had a crush on him uh since we met Whoops he's really cute and kind of adorable and really funny and i love him leg and god even though he's probably not gay A Boy Can Dream 

\---

Private message between nick einstein and Abby Suso:

nick einstein: holy shit he's fucking oblivious 

nick einstein: BRAM GAY AS HELL

Abby Suso: IM FINNA JUMP

Abby Suso: I HATE THIS SO MUCH I WANNA TELL HIM LIKE

Abby Suso: YO BRAM GAY AS HELL

Abby Suso: BUT THAT'S BRAM'S BUSINESS AND NOT MINE

nick einstein: BRAM WHY DIDNT YOU JUST SAY "DITTO" WHEN SIMON SAID HE WAS GAY LIKE ABBY WHEN LEAH SAID SHE WAS BI

Abby Suso: SHDUISFHDFHG GET BACK INTO THE GC SO HE DOESNT GET SUSPICIOUS 

nick einstein: LEAH IS SMART AND WITH HIM AND IS GOOD AT KEEPING SECRETS IT'S FINE

\---

leah!!: oh my god that's so sweet!!! do you think you'll talk to him about it? maybe he's into you too? 

simon says: bram eats ass like it's skittles

leah!!: He Might Also Eat Boy Ass Simon. 

simon says: EXCUSE ME

leah!!: TALK TO HIM YOU FUCKER OH MY GOD MAYBE HE'LL SURPRISE YOU 

leah!!: THAT WONT KILL YOU SIMON WILL IT

simon says: FINE ILL TALK TO HIM 

simon says: SOMEDAY

simon says: NOT NOW THOUGH


	9. the balloon dart war

"You're going the fuck down, Spier." 

Bram declared this, standing in a position almost as if he were about to shoot a gun, holding a dart in between his thumb and index finger. "Suck my nuts, Greenfeld," Simon replied, leaning against the booth. A woman with her young daughter heard Simon, stared at him with wide eyes, covered her daughter's ears and moved themselves to a different location, causing Simon to burst out laughing. Bram had paid for each of them to do three rounds of three darts, and Bram was about to shoot his first dart of his first round. "You suck, miss, you fucker." 

Bram threw the dart and popped a pink balloon. Simon muttered, "Shit." Bram threw a dart and broke a second balloon, this time orange. Simon muttered another swear word. Bram broke a third balloon, this one green. 

Simon looked at him with a look of competitiveness in his eyes. "You may be good, Greenfeld, looks like I may have some competition." 

As Simon practically waltzed his way to the center of the booth and the girl behind the counter gave him three darts, Bram asked, "Who made you the king of balloon darts?"

While aiming his first shot, Simon replied, "I did." Then he threw the dart, hard, and broke an orange balloon. This was the start to the balloon dart war. 

The three rounds took them about fifteen minutes in total. During his second round, Bram missed a dart and yelled, "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs while Simon yelled something that sounded like "OH!" and dropped to his knees with his arms open. It's safe to say that Simon won the balloon dart war. 

After the end of the war, the boys got an order of fried Oreos and sat on the curb to the left of some of the games. Simon watched the lights of the carnival rides and signs and how bright they were through his glasses (he decided last minute to wear his glasses instead of his contacts because he remembered Bram once saying that he looked really "handsome" in them) and smiled. Bram looked at the lights in Simon's eyes and smiled. The moon was high in the sky and Simon sat with his green sweatshirt that Bram loved zipped all the way up, fighting away the breeze of the November night. 

Bram nudged Simon's knee with his own, "Do you wanna get going in a bit?" 

Simon looked at him and smiled, "Yeah, sure. Wanna go get dinner? My treat." 

"I can't turn down food that I'm not paying for," Bram replied, making Simon laugh. Bram stared at his dimples, causing him to smile in return. Bram got up off the curb first, extending his arm out to Simon, who took his hand almost hesitantly and pulled himself up. 

Bram took advantage of being about two inches taller than Simon and uses Simon's shoulder as sort of an armrest, making him laugh in the process. They pass a high striker game and Bram stops in his tracks. "I'm gonna win you something," Bram tells Simon, taking his arm off his shoulder.

"You're gonna do what now?" Simon asks, a smile on his face and a blush creeping up on him.

Bram takes off his jacket and puts it over the small fence separating the high striker and the three skeeball machines. He turns back to Simon with a smirk, "You heard me!" Bram pulls his arms behind his back to crack his arms and his back at the same time, and shakes it off. He pays the worker the two dollar fee and picks up the mallet. He holds it, looks back at Simon, and smiles. 

This is way too much for Simon's freshly sort out of gay heart, and he blushes hard, hiding his face with his hand. 

Bram brings the hammer down on the puck, and, by some grace of whoever was listening, the bell rings. Bram turns around to Simon, both of them looking equally shocked. Without thinking, the both of them slam their bodies together in a hard hug, hitting their foreheads together in the process and causing Simon's glasses to swing off his face and onto the floor. They're both laughing and smiling and all they want to do is kiss the other but they have no idea how to initiate the idea. So, instead, Bram picks up Simon's glasses off the floor, brushes the hair out of Simon's eyes, and puts the glasses back on him. 

Simon is bright red and is so glad it's dark out.

The worker at the booth stands their awkwardly holding a large tan, fuzzy teddy bear with a red bandanna around its neck. "Thank you, sir," Bram says with a smile, taking the bear from the worker and handing it off to Simon, "and here you go, sir." 

Simon is still as red as ever and can barely stutter out a "Thank you," without it almost turning into an "I'm in love with you." They walk out of the carnival and on the sidewalk, Simon with the bear's arms around his neck so he can hold it easier and with one hand. They're silent, but comfortably silent. Their hands brush when they walk, and Bram makes a somewhat bold move and connects their pinkies. Simon looks down at their hands and smiles. 

They walk like this until Bram breaks their hands apart to open Simon's car door for him and Simon gets into the car. Bram gets in the driver's seat a moment later. After Bram pulls out of the parking space, Simon sets the bear up in between them on the near empty center console. "So," Simon starts, face still pink from both the cold wind and the blushing, "what's our son's name?" He asks. 

Bram laughs, "I've got no fucking clue."

"Bram, we have to name our son." 

They laugh about it and continue driving, settling on the name Paul because it made both of them laugh for some reason. The ride is silent except for small laughs, the heat blasting in Bram's car, and the sounds of a classic rap song playing quietly through Bram's speakers. 

They stop to get something to eat at a fast food place and almost run into Martin, who is working there. They had originally walked in to get something, then saw him and immediately walked out and went through the drive in.

The two sat in the parking lot, sharing an order of onion rings that Simon had originally offered to pay for, but Bram insisted he bought it since Simon bought dessert. The night was young and quiet and Simon honestly thought he could stay out all night with just Bram. But, unfortunately, he promised his parents he'd be home by eleven, and it was reaching ten-thirty now.

Bram pulls into the driveway and they look at each other for a minute. Bram's eyes flicker down to Simon's lips and Simon wants to kiss him but he's too goddamn nervous to do it. Simon does the next best thing he can think of, and takes the bear's paw and boops it on Bram's nose, making his eyebrows furrow and his nose scrunch up and the sweetest laugh come out. 

"Goodnight," Simon says softly to Bram, touching his hand gently that is resting on the center console. 

"Goodnight, Si," Bram replies with a smile. 

Simon gets out of the car, leans into the window after he gets out and gives Bram a small, sweet wave with the bear's paw. Bram returns the wave and a smile. He waits in the driveway as Simon goes into the house. He immediately takes his phone out as Simon gets into the house, to be loaded with texts from Abby. Simon does the same, only to text Leah.

\---

Private message between green grass and Abby Suso! 

Abby Suso: HOW IS IT GOING

Abby Suso: WAIT DONT ANSWER THAT YET YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO USE YOUR PHONE ON A DATE BINCH

Abby Suso: TEXT ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE

Abby Suso: WEAR A CONDOM 

green grass: HEY DIE 

Abby Suso: HOW DID IT GO

Abby Suso: ARE YALL IN LOVE YET

green grass: IM IN LOVE WITH HIM TO BE FUCKING HONEST 

green grass: LIKE DAMN I HAD A SUBTLE CRUSH ON HIM FOR A BIT AND NOW IM LIKE WOAH I CAN NEVER LIKE ANYONE ELSE EVER AGAIN

Abby Suso: OH YM GOD DID YOU TELL HIM??

green grass: NO LEAH TOLD ME NOT TO

Abby Suso: BITCH DIDNT LEAH SAY SIMON LIKES SPONTANEOUS STUFF

green grass: SHE SAID HE DOESN'T LIKE THAT WITH RELATIONSHIPS

Abby Suso: BINCH.

Abby Suso: YOU SHOULD'VE WENT FOR IT GO FOR IT NEXT TIME

green grass: YOURE GODDAMN RIGHT IM GONNA GO FOR IT NEXT TIME

green grass: HOLY SHIT THERE'S GONNA BE A NEXT TIME

\---

Private conversation between simon says and leah!!!

simon says: I THINK I JUST WENT ON A DATE WITH BRAM?

leah!!: FUCK

leah!!: HOW DID IT GO

simon says: IT WENT ALMOST TOO WELL??

simon says: HE WON ME A BIG ASS TEDDY BEAR LIKE WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUCKING MOVIES ON THAT FUCKING BELL HAMMER SHIT

leah!!: BITCH MARRY HIM

simon says: BITCH DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD IF I COULD 

simon says: Bram Please Say Ur At Least Bi In The Chat So I Have A Chance

leah!!: UFKVICJVNG SIMON U BITCH TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT

leah!!: TAKE MY WORDS OF ADVICE

leah!!: MAYBE HE EATS BOY ASS TOO

simon says: LEAH YOU HAVE KNOWN ME FOR THIRTEEN YEARS YOU KNOW FOR A GODDAMN FACT THAT I CANNOT DO THAT


	10. they don't even know what the project is

leah!!: ladies and gents i officially have no idea what this project is even supposed to be about

Abby Suso: Same.

leah!!: oh thank god im not the only one

green grass: im too gay for science

simon says: oh big mood

\---

Private message between simon says and Abby Suso!

simon says: IS BRAM ACTUALLY GAY OR IS HE FUCKING WITH ME

simon says: WHICH ONE OF YALL EXPOSED ME AND MY CRUSH ON HIM

Abby Suso: NO HE'S GAY HE CAME OUT WHEN YOU WERENT IN THE CHAT

Abby Suso: I THINK HE FORGOT TO TELL YOU 

simon says: SO I COULD'VE SHOT MY SHOT YESTERDAY 

Abby Suso: YEAH BASICALLY

simon says: I HATE THIS SO MCUH

\---

nick einstein: should we ask martin

Abby Suso: No, you have Einstein in your name, you're the scientist here.

nick einstein changed his display name to: nick not einstein!

nick not einstein: you were saying

Abby Suso: I want a divorce.

nick not einstein: ):

nick not einstein changed his display name to: nick einstein!

nick einstein: ): 

Abby Suso: My smart mans!

nick einstein: (: 

leah!!: the straights are taking over

nick einstein: abby's bi 

leah!!: i was talking about you nick

nick einstein: that was a threat

green grass: if we ask martin about the project i'll cry

green grass: ill just go on the teacher's website i'd literally rather die 

green grass: (link) so here's this piece of shit project we have to do

green grass: and we apparently only have another like six weeks to do it because we're all dumb and cant read

leah!!: DID WE READ THE DATE WRONG

green grass: YEAH WE DID

simon says: I? HATE THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING? 

nick einstein: i love chemistry i absolutely adore having no fucking idea what the fuck is going on

simon says: fat fuckin rt


	11. it's not that simon hates martin, but he hates martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick content warning: two uses of the f slur

Private message between Martin A. and simon says!

Martin A.: Simon.

simon says: yes martin? 

Martin A.: I have to ask you a question. 

simon says: oh no

Martin A.: Don't take any offense to this, just wondering. 

Martin A.: Are you gay? And follow up question: are you and Bram gay together?

simon says: martin are you asking if bram and i are dating

Martin A.: Kind of. I mostly just wanna know if you're gay. 

simon says: is that any of your business?

Martin A.: Simon, it's a simple yes or no answer. 

simon says: martin, could you please leave me alone

Martin A.: Simon. Just answer the question. 

simon says: martin it's absolutely none of your business

Martin A.: Simon. I saw you and Bram come in. You look at Bram like I look at Abby.

simon says: please never say that about abby ever again

Martin A.: Fuck you. 

Martin A.: Tell me you're gay.

simon says: leave me the fuck alone

Martin A.: Tell me, twink.

simon says: martin im gonna kick ur ass leave me alone

Martin A.: Say it, fag.

simon says: bye martin!! suck my tiny gay dick!!

simon says has blocked Martin A.! 

\---

Private message between nick einstein and simon says!

simon says: (screenshot) can you fuckin BELIEVE the nerve this kid has

nick einstein: WAIT MARTIN LIKES ABBY

simon says: YEAH YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT GDFIGUHDGL

nick einstein: NO I DIDNT BUT THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY 

nick einstein: DOES HE. KNOW THAT ABBY AND I ARE A THING

simon says: YEAH BUT HES FUCKING MARTIN WHAT DO YOU EXPECT 

nick einstein: YEAH YOU RIGHT

nick einstein: I JUST. CANNOT BELIEVE HE CALLED YOU THAT. 

simon says: MARTIN ADDISON CALLED ME A TWINK AND A FAG? STORYTIME.

nick einstein: BDUSILGKFHGIFHD SIMON SHUT UP 

simon says: I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING AT "Tell me, twink." 

simon says: NEW BIO!!

nick einstein: CAN WE ADD ABBY IN HERE BECAUSE IM ABOUT TO LOSE MY FUCKING MIND OVER "YOU LOOK AT BRAM LIKE I LOOK AT ABBY"

simon says: IHJDFDHGUSNJKFDH YEAH HOLD ON

simon says has added Abby Suso to the chat! Say hi! 

Abby Suso: ARE YALL DYING WHY DO WE HAVE A SEPARATE CHAT

simon says: (screenshot of chat)

Abby Suso: WHAT THE FUCK

Abby Suso: I KNEW HE LIKED ME BUT NOT LIKE HOW SIMON LIKES BRAM

simon says: BITCH BULLY ME HARDER

nick einstein: "YOU LOOK AT BRAM LIKE I LOOK AT ABBY"

Abby Suso: BITCH I TRY TO BE NICE TO HIM AND I GET. THIS TREATMENT. 

simon says: ARE YOU GONNA GIVE HIM A PIECE OF YOUR MIND

Abby Suso: YEAH BITCH

Abby Suso has left the chat!

\---

Private message between Abby Suso and Martin A.! 

Abby Suso: Hey Martin! I just wanted to let you know that you're a really good guy and everything and I do like hanging out with you but I don't wanna send you the wrong signal! I'm dating Nick right now, sorry if I put it in the wrong direction! 

Martin A.: Who said that I was into you?

Abby Suso: Martin, you think I'm blind? I see you.

Abby Suso: There's nothing wrong with it, just know that I don't feel the same way.

Martin A. has blocked Abby Suso!


	12. the gang drags martin to the grave

Abby Suso: IT'S OFFICIAL

green grass: YOU AND NICK ARE GETTING MARRIED?

leah!!: WHY ARE WE YELLING

Abby Suso: LOL DUH

Abby Suso: MARTIN BLOCKED ME

simon says: REALLY IUGBFDGFHG

leah!!: I HATE THAT IM LAUGHING AT THAT

leah!!: WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM

Abby Suso: I TOLD HIM THAT I WASNT INTERESTED IN HIS SEXUAL ADVANCES

Abby Suso: (screenshot of chat)

nick einstein: YOU WERE SO LIKE. RESPECTFUL TO HIS FEELINGS AND HE JUST BLOCKED UR ASS WHAT A CUCK

simon says: NICK PLEASE STOP CALLING MARTIN A CUCK IT MAKES ME PEE LAUGHING 

nick einstein: IM GONNA CCRY LAUGHING AT THIS ABBY YOU GOT BLOCKED BY FUCKING MARTIN

nick einstein: WHO IN THIS CHAT IS BLOCKED OR HAS BLOCKED MARTIN

Abby Suso: JUST ME AND SIMON I THINK

green grass: SIMON WHY BLOCKED

simon says: HE CALLED ME A FAG AFTER I DIDNT OWN UP IMMEDIATELY TO BEING GAY

green grass: HFDJGDFUD I HATE HIM

simon says: HE THINKS HE'S TOUGH SHIT BUT HE AINT GOT SHIT ON US

leah!!: TRUE GANG

nick einstein: I FUCKING HATE THIS PROJECT MOTHERUFKCING MARTIN IS SO FCKING SCARY AND SHIT LIKE THAT

nick einstein: LIKE I COULD BEAT HIS ASS IF I WANTED TO BUT LIKE. HE HAS A SCARY BRAIN AND HE COULD FUCKING KILL ME WITH HIS EYEBALLS

green grass: NICK PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE THAT


	13. uh oh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey ive just realized martin is kind of out of character in this but i hate that little Cuck so who cares im gonna beat him up

Private message between leah!! and simon says!

leah!!: simon

leah!!: are you awake?

simon says: it's a sunday night im up doing homework whats up

simon says: are you okay?

leah!!: uh

leah!!: yeah im fine

leah!!: have you checked the tumblr?

simon says: man fuck the tumblr

leah!!: simon martin outed you

leah!!: simon?

leah!!: simon are you there?

\---

_Simon Spier is big, flaming homosexual. Apply to have your dick sucked at 470-xxx-xxx. Girls need not apply, you will be rejected. Here is the proof in form of text messages that he sent me. -Martin Addison._

Attached to the submission of the "confession" was the text where Simon told Martin to suck his "tiny gay dick." Simon slams his computer shut. Almost as if on cue, his phone starts to vibrate with new messages from unsaved messages. He immediately begins to block numbers. 

\---

leah!!: simon please answer me

leah!!: simon?? 

leah!!: SIMON

simon says: im gonna fucking kill him

leah!!: are you okay?

simon says: no im gonna fucking kill him

leah!!: dont do anything you're gonna regret

simon says: im not gonna regret it im gonna gut him like a fish

\---

Private message between simon says and Martin A.! 

simon says has unblocked Martin A.! 

simon says: what the fuck is wrong with you

Martin A.: I had to get your attention somehow.

simon says: couldn't have just, i don't know, texted nick or leah or something ask "hey can you tell simon to text me?" you had to go and out me to the tumblr? are you fucking crazy? 

Martin A.: Spier, don't fuck with me. After this project we will never speak again, okay? 

simon says: fine by fucking me

Martin A.: Be lucky I didn't say anything about Bram.

simon says: I DIDNT FUCKING SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIM TO BEGIN WITH 

simon says: you are fucking infuriating 

Martin A.: You can go back to blocking me. I'll contact Nick or Leah if I need to get in touch with you about the project. 

simon says: whatever

simon says: fuck you

simon says has blocked Martin A.!

\---

simon says: hey yall so

simon says: (screenshot of tumblr post)

simon says: martin witch hunt im gonna cut his nuts off

green grass: holy shit are you okay?

green grass: thats so fucked im gonna rip his dick off

simon says: the gays gang up on martin and just. fucking Kill him. 

nick einstein: what the actual fuck

nick einstein: we could bring this to our chem teacher

nick einstein: she's like cool and shit she might kick him off our group

Abby Suso: Simon, do you mind if I email her about this? With a link to the post?

simon says: go for it man i want him to fucking pay

Abby Suso: Alright, emailing her now. 

leah!!: i'll email her too so she knows we mean fucking business 

simon says: thank you leah thank you abby i really appreciate it

leah!!: she has been Emailed 

green grass: im gonna fucking nuke him i swear 2 god

simon says: same same


	14. bram doesn't even give a fuck about what people think of him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another content warning: use of the f slur, just kids being Dickholes.

Simon sits in his car for a little longer than normal when he drives to school on Monday. He's sitting in the parking lot and listening to Sufjan Stevens, watching students go out of their cars, into the building, and on with their day. He wonders who has seen the post. 

He's assuming the number is a lot, because one guy has stood in front of his car, pointed at him, and then thrusted hard into the air, a group of girls when by snickering, and two dudes mimed making out in front of his car, which is gayer than practically anything he's ever done with a boy. When he finally gets out of the car, there's a few whoops and hollers, but mostly slang and other words thrown around, but he tries to ignore them. 

A tiny blonde freshman with a bob cut comes up to him while he walks through the halls and gives him a flyer for the school's GSA, inviting him to the meeting on Friday. He makes a mental note to go with the rest of the group. 

"Hey, fag," A tall senior says, pushing past him. 

Simon rolls his eyes, before hearing a voice behind him. "Dude, leave him the fuck alone." Before Simon can turn around to see what the hell is going on, Bram is coming up next to him. Without hesitation Bram's got his hand in Simon's. 

"Bram, what the fuck are you doing?" Simon practically whispers.

"Nothing. I'm not letting you get shit on alone." 

Bram holds Simon's hand publicly, standing slightly apart so their hands are prominent. People turn their heads and look and say some shit, but Bram just rubs Simon's finger with his thumb to take him away from that moment. The two of them are silent, but Simon is pink in the cheeks and the heat is rising to Bram's face. They are both so into each other, but neither of them don't know what else to do about it. Simon's out now, and Bram doesn't know how to come out but he's publicly doing this, so, is he out now? 

Bram walks Simon to his first period class, hand in hand the whole way there, a class on the opposite side of the building from where Bram's first period is. He'll risk a SASH for being late to make sure Simon gets to first period without getting any more shit than he's already gonna get. 

"You gonna be okay?" Bram asks. Simon nods in response, looking down at their still intertwined hands. Bram doesn't let go. "Come get me if people give you more shit, okay?" Simon nods again. The bell rings for the one minute warning bell. Bram embraces Simon in a large hug, both arms wrapped tight around his back. It takes Simon a second, but he hugs him back, tucking his head into the crook between Bram's neck and shoulder. 

When Bram pulls away, he puts one hand on the side of Simon's neck, and brushes his thumb across Simon's skin. Simon has never felt gayer and has never had a bigger urge to kiss Bram as hard than he has in this moment. Bram smiles at him and bites a part of his lip and Simon smiles back, his eyes as wide as saucers. "I'll see you after school, 'kay?" 

"Yeah, yeah, definitely," Simon replies, smiling still. 

Bram smiles and pats Simon's shoulder, and goes off practically running to the other side of the building. Simon stands, frozen in shock outside his Algebra II classroom, before being snapped out of it by Leah, who is going into the same class. "What's got you all starstruck, Si? Did Elliott Smith walk by?" 

"Bram just held my hand all the way to class."

Leah laughs a little, then notices how Simon isn't laughing and is flushed pink. "Holy shit, you're not laughing." 

"Sit in the back with me today, please, because I know I sound calm but," Simon takes Leah's hand on puts her palm on his chest to feel his heart, which is pounding at what feels like a million beats per second, "I think I'm about to die." 

"I can tell. Come on, honey, let's go," Leah takes Simon's hand and they walk into the class, and immediately go into the back of the room, and Simon whispers everything to Leah.


	15. bram goes to nick for advice

Private message between green grass and nick einstein!

green grass: i wanna kiss simon What Do I Do

nick einstein: do it

nick einstein: kiss him

nick einstein: do it pussy you wont

green grass: YOURE RIGHT I WONT IM A PUSSY

nick einstein: should i kiss him for you

green grass: HYDFYUIGFHU do it pussy you wont

nick einstein: bet

green grass: please dont

green grass: please dont

green grass: please dont

nick einstein: im gonna cry im not gonna kiss ur future bf

green grass: thank you...

green grass: how do i. kiss someone i like a lot but they. dont know

nick einstein: didnt you hold simon's hand from his homeroom to first period

green grass: im sorry but how did you know that

nick einstein: it is. all over snapchat.

green grass: wow i love school just put my business up for everyone to see everyone at this goddamn school can suck my nuts!!

green grass: but yeah it's the day after he's been forced out of the closet i watched him get called slurs like three times and two dudes stand in front of his car and mime like they were fucking and i wanted to make sure he got to class okay

nick einstein: bram greenfeld you are the man we all love but dont deserve

green grass: i love u nick

nick einstein: i love u too bram

nick einstein: but yeah since you held his hand he probably knows

nick einstein: did you do any super gay shit on your carnival date

green grass: uh

nick einstein: that means yes tell me

green grass: i uh won him... a teddy bear... like one of those big ass teddy bears... 

nick einstein: i hate you so fuckign much

nick einstein: but i feel that i won abby a stuffed toy on one of our first dates

green grass: she won you a stuffed animal on one of your first dates

nick einstein: let me have this moment bram

nick einstein: i kissed her spontaneously 

nick einstein: we were walking by the community pool and the way the sun shined on her skin made me realize This Is It This Is Love

nick einstein: and i kissed her in front of lincoln pool in front of like twenty people

nick einstein: i got lucky cause she kissed me back we had only been dating for like two weeks gdygfh

green grass: i have an idea now thank you nick

nick einstein: please dont spontaneously Suck Him

green grass: Try To Stop Me


	16. simon doesn't know how to accept a date invite. leah is there to help.

Private message between simon says and green grass!

green grass: simon spier answer ur phone u twink

simon says: thats a hate crime

green grass: !

simon says: leah is over and we're playing roblox are u okay

green grass: yeah i just wanted to ask you something

simon says: what's up? are you okay?

green grass: oh yeah im fine! dont worry about that

green grass: just wondering um

green grass: do you want to maybe hang out tomorrow? we could go get ice cream then hang out at the park or something?

\---

Simon reads the text from his notification bar, Leah kneeling behind him with her head on his shoulder reading along. They've just finished putting on charcoal face masks and Simon's put curlers in Leah's hair, just doing their regular sleepover routine: curler, face masks, and Roblox. "What do I say?" Simon asks, opening the message. He knows this is a date, he knows it, but he has only ever been on one other date in his life. It was with a girl in eighth grade and they want to a pizza parlor and Simon didn't like her and got so nervous that he threw up in the bathroom before they ordered anything. He was too nervous to confront her after throwing up that he climbed out the window and walked a mile home. 

"Ask if he wants you to invite us," Leah tells him. Simon types back a response instantly. 

\---

simon says: do you want me to invite nick, abby, and leah?

green grass: oh um

green grass: if u want to go for it but i was just hoping it would just be the two of us

\---

Simon doesn't open the message right away, but Leah reads it over his shoulder and whispers, "Aw." 

"He's really nervous, at least it seems like that," Simon says to her, hovering his finger over the notification. 

Leah takes his phone for a second and reads the message again in the notifications bar. She's gotta help her best friend get lucky with this boy, especially when he's liked him for a good long while. "Can I respond to him?" She asks, opening the message.

"Are you gonna say something sexual or dumb?" Simon asks with a small, almost goofy smile. 

Leah rolls her eyes and jokingly whispers, "Not anymore." In response, Simon laughs hard while Leah responds to Bram. 

\---

simon says: that sounds perfect to me, bram. what time? 

green grass: i could come pick you up at around six? we could be together til your curfew? 

green grass: what time's ur curfew?

\---

"What time's your curfew?" Leah calls out to Simon, who has since gone into the bathroom to take out his contacts and put on his glasses. 

There's a pause. "Ten-thirty on weekdays, midnight on weekends!" He calls back, and starts walking back into the room, contacts out and glasses clipped to his shirt. Leah begins to write back a response as the bed dips behind her, then Simon puts his head on her shoulder. 

\---

simon says: ten thirty

simon says: ill see you tomorrow at six, bram

green grass: you most certainly will

\---

"Can I send something kind of maybe risky?" 

Simon looks at her, blinks, then asks, "What does that mean, Leah?"

"It's nothing bad, it's just... a lot." 

Simon sighs, then realizes that Leah kind of knows what she's doing in a relationship and replies, "Do it." 

"I'm sending a heart emoji."

Simon goes pink in the cheeks, realizes that he wants to do that really badly, then nods. 

\---

simon says: <3

\---

Bram stares at the heart message that's been sent and smiles lightly. His face is a little warm and his smile grows a little more each time he looks at the message. He screenshots it and texts it to Nick.

\---

Private message between green grass and nick einstein!

green grass: (screenshot)

green grass: BITCH

nick einstein: OH FUCK

nick einstein: HE WANNA FUCK

green grass: NICK DIE I AKSED HIM ON A DATE

nick einstein: WHERE TO DO WHAT

green grass: TO GET ICE CREAM AND GO TO THE PARK ON 16TH STREET

nick einstein: BITCH THAT'S WHERE YALL FINNA FALL IN LOVE

nick einstein: BITCH I WANT UPDATES WHEN YALL FALL IN LOVE

green grass: WELL IM ALREADY IN LOVE WITH HIM SO

nick einstein: BITCH I MEANT WHEN YALL OFFICIALLY GET TOGETHER

green grass: I KNOWWHAT U MEANT 

nick einstein: BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	17. bram freaks out about going on a real date with simon and simon freaks out about what to wear.

Bram is half an hour early to picking up Simon, and wants to be fashionably late to seem cool, because Simon likes cool boys, and this cool boy Bram is gonna kiss sweet Simon tonight. He drives to a nearby fast food place that's only about a block away and parks in the parking lot. To distract himself and to pass time, he takes out his phone and texts Abby, who has already texted him.

\---

Private message between Abby Suso and green grass!

Abby Suso: Kill it tonight, Bram! Sweep that boy off his feet and show him that you are the best man in the world! You got this! I love you!

green grass: im half an hour early to pick him up so im sitting in a mcdonalds parking lot listening to nwa to hype myself up so i dont throw up

green grass: im actually gonna throw up im so nervous

Abby Suso: You're not gonna throw up, Bram. 

Abby Suso: Please don't throw up, Bram. 

green grass: i should've just.

green grass: shown up at the right time so i dont contemplate what could go wrong in a mcdonalds parking lot

Abby Suso: Bram.

Abby Suso: Simon is absolutely into you. I've seen that shit first hand, boy's into you. Even if tonight is a total disaster or you both end up in jail or dead, he's still gonna have a great time because he got to hang out with you.

Abby Suso: Kiss him all over his dumb face. He wants you to. 

green grass: abby that actually made me feel a lot better thank you i love you

Abby Suso: I love you, Bram! Go get that boy!

green grass: bitch i will!!

Abby Suso: Can I ask you a weird question?

green grass: yeah sure of course

Abby Suso: This is gonna sound... so weird but, what are you wearing tonight?

Abby Suso: It's a casual date, right? You're not gonna pull anything and take him to some fancy dinner, right?

green grass: yeah, super casual. i've got on my orange kanye shirt and some jeans

Abby Suso: Alright, awesome. 

\---

Private message between simon says and Abby Suso!

Abby Suso: He's wearing his orange Kanye West shirt and jeans!

simon says: OKAY THATS CASUAL GOOD

simon says: ABBY I. DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR

simon says: DO I WANNA LOOK SEXY OR COMFORTABLE DO I WANNA SEDUCE HIM OR WHAT DO I WANNA DO

Abby Suso: I'd say go comfortable but confident. 

simon says: ABBY I AM NOT A CONFIDENT MAN

Abby Suso: Fake confidence is still confidence!

simon says: ABBY YOU LIVE TWO BLOCKS AWAY PLEASE COME HELP ME

Abby Suso: SIMON I AM LITERALLY IN THE SHOWER AS WE SPEAK

Abby Suso: MY PHONE IS IN A ZIP BLOCK BAG

Abby Suso: THIS IS THE MOST I CAN DO RIGHT NOW WHILE I AM NAKED

simon says: OKAY IM SORRY

simon says: DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE

Abby Suso: Wear something you feel cute in!

simon says: HHH

Abby Suso: He likes your green zip-up sweatshirt! But don't wear that because he'll expect it and I know for a damn fact you wore that to the carnival.

simon says: ABBY YOU CANT TELL ME HE LIKES SOMETHING THEN TELL ME NOT TO WEAR IT

simon says: IT'S 5:49 FUCK 

Abby Suso: YOU STILL HAVE TIME PLEASE CALM DOWN

simon says: HOLD ON

simon says: (photo)

Abby Suso: THAT'S CUTE WEAR THAT

simon says: SHIT FUCK

\---

Bram pulls up into Simon's driveway at 6:07 and silently debates honking the horn or going up to the door or just shooting Simon a text. He goes with the final choice, sending a quick, "i'm outside" text. He makes sure to include a heart emoji with it, and he picks the simple red heart one. Simon replies with 'be down in two seconds!' and the emoji of the one large pink heart and the smaller one behind it. Bram smiles. 

Simon would be down on the porch right now, but receiving that emoji sent him into a blushing mess and he needed a moment to retain himself. 

He's down on the porch at 6:09, and Bram thinks he looks like the cutest boy he's ever seen. He's got on a multicolored light blue, black, and pastel pink windbreaker, zipped halfway with a plain t-shirt underneath and light blue jeans with rips in the knees. Bram notes that this is the cutest outfit he's ever seen Simon in. Bram flashes his lights and Simon practically jogs his way over, opens the passenger's side door, and gets in. "Hi!" Simon says to Bram, slightly excited but somehow sounding out of breath.

Bram really wants to compliment him on his outfit, and he can't exactly stop himself from telling Simon, "You look really pretty tonight."

Simon smiles brightly, and goes slightly pink. He blushes easily, and Bram has taken that to his advantage. "Thank you," Simon replies with a smile.


	18. a swing set at 8:30 pm.

Simon and Bram just make it to a local favorite ice cream shop before it closes at 7:30 after driving around town aimlessly listening to each other's music, much to the displease of the teenage girl working behind the counter who Simon had Algebra II with. They get similar treats, Bram goes with a classic Oreo milkshake, and Simon gets two scoops of cookies and cream in a cup. They sit in Bram's car and eat it, still parked on the corner of the ice cream shop, while listening to Simon's playlist, titled 'good day.' 

An hour later and they're sitting on the swing set of a nearly empty park. Nearly empty as in there's a girl and a guy, both in their early to mid twenties, walking the bike path away from the two boys and sharing what is either a cigarette or a joint. 

Simon's swing sways from side to side, his shoes scraping against the dirt underneath him. Bram watches him, puts his milkshake on the swing (which surprisingly doesn't fall over) and gets up. He looks at Simon with a sly smile. Simon looks up at him and almost immediately starts giggling. "What?" Simon smiles at him, "Wanna push me?"

"Yeah," Bram replies with no hesitation. 

Simon blinks and laughs, then gestures over his shoulder, to which Bram gets behind. Bram pushes Simon on the swing, and it's like they're kids again. There's no forced coming out or school bullying, they're just at the park eating ice cream and pushing each other on the swing. It's nice, peaceful. They keep laughing and Simon yelps a little when he almost falls off and Bram grabs him by the shoulder as a reflex mechanism to make sure he doesn't fall. They're both still laughing. 

"I really wanna jump off like I'm fuckin' eight years old again," Simon says with a laugh. 

Bram pushes the swing harder to prep him for his jump, "Then do it."

Simon underestimates the force he's using, because he jumps off, immediately loses his balance, and falls over, knocking his glasses off in the process. Simon lays on the floor, laughing as hard as he thinks he's ever laughed before, with Bram standing over him to make sure he's okay. "I'm fine, I'm fine," Simon says in breaths through laughs.

Bram picks Simon up off the floor, and Simon stumbles to his feet, laughing hard still. Red in the face from laughing, Simon brushes his hair out of his face, and Bram picks up Simon's thin-wired glasses off of the ground. He wipes the glass on the hem of his shirt, and looks at Simon. He smiles, "You always knock your glasses off when we're together."

"What can I say," Simon says, shrugging as Bram puts his glasses back on him, "We get a bit wild when we're together." 

Bram's hands linger a little longer on Simon's face than either expected, and Bram's fingers brush the back of Simon's head. 'This is it,' Bram thinks to himself, 'It's now, or never.' Bram's eyes flicker down to Simon's lips, to see him lick his slightly chapped top lip. Fuck it. "I have the overwhelming urge to kiss you right now, Simon," Bram tells him softly, fingers still twirling the hairs on the back of his neck.

"Me too..." Simon whispers, just as quiet as Bram.

Bram inhales. "Can I kiss you, Simon?"

"Yes, please." 

Bram wastes no time in going in and kissing Simon deeply. He's got both hands on Simon's neck and face, not holding him tightly, but rather just touching him because he wants to. Simon's hands wander up Bram's back and to his shoulders and neck, and Simon holds onto him, trying to draw him closer. Neither of them are experts at kissing, and both have had very, very little experience in this department, but they feel like they can continue kissing like this forever. There's no noise except for the sounds of kissing, and Simon giggling when Bram moves his hands from his face to his lower back, pulling him closer. 

Simon's the one to pull away, much to both of their dismays. They look at each other's kiss swollen lips, then immediately go back at it for about two minutes. Bram's the one to pull away next. "Does this mean you're my boyfriend," Bram asks, but it comes out more like a statement. 

Simon nods, "Yes, yes, of course." 

There's a pause, then Simon speaks.

"Can we kiss again?"

Bram goes back into kissing Simon. Simon pulls away quickly, "Can I stay the night at your place?" Bram nods, then Simon goes, "Okay, thank you," and goes back to kissing Bram.

Four hours later, the night creeping to near midnight, Simon's laying in bed with Bram, his head on Bram's chest, slowly falling asleep. He's got a cute, sleepy look on his face, an eyeful of his boyfriend as he finally falls asleep wearing one of Bram's hoodies, and a confirmation text from his mom that he can stay the night. Bram takes a picture of a sleeping Simon on his bare chest and sends it to the chat.

\---

green grass: (photo)

green grass: a wild simon has been found

leah!!: HOLY FUCK

leah!!: wow i love my newly wed dads

nick einstein: WAIT ARE YALL LIKE

nick einstein: DID YALL FUCK

leah!!: NICK YOU CANT JUST ASK IF THEY FUCKED

leah!!: THOSE ARE OUR DADS

Abby Suso: BRAM GO BACK TO YOUR SLEEPING BEAUTY ILL HANDLE THIS

green grass: goodnight from me and the other one xxxxxx

nick einstein: WE NEED ANSWERS YOU BITCH

leah!!: WE WILL DISCUSS THIS IN THE MORNING WHEN SIMON WAKES UP AND ALSO AT LUNCH TOMORROW

Abby Suso: WE CAN AND WILL ONLY DISCUSS THIS WITH BOTH Y'ALLS FUCKIN INPUT 

Abby Suso: EVERYONE. GO THE FUCK TO BED. 

Abby Suso: WE GOT FUCKIN TESTS AND SHIT TOMORROW

nick einstein: we also gotta discuss the new fuckin power couple of the group

leah!!: oh fuck now im fifth wheeling NSDKFHGI

nick einstein: leah you can be our third so we can out love bram and simon

leah!!: NO DHFUIYHGIU


	19. so y'all fucked?

Simon wakes up at 6:45 when Bram's alarm goes off, only to find Bram not in bed anymore. He's sitting on the edge of his bed, smoking his vape and causing the room to smell like something sweet, but Simon can't put his finger on it. To get his attention, Simon nudges Bram with his foot, causing him to turn around. Bram's got all the love in the world in his eyes, and Simon whispers a quiet, "Good morning."

Bram leans in and kisses Simon softly, causing Simon to giggle slightly. "Let's just skip school," Bram whispers against Simon's lips, continuing to kiss him. 

Simon rolls his eyes and pulls away from Bram, "If we skip school, then the group is actually going to murder us."

"Then let them," Bram says back, going in to kiss Simon again, making him laugh. 

Simon rolls his eyes again, and pushes Bram off him playfully, "Come on, goof, we need to get dressed. I'm borrowing one of your shirts." 

\---

Simon and Bram are lucky that the group chose the back table when they were assigned the group project. Simon's even more lucky that the teacher's back in turned when he walks into the classroom and Nick launches a paper ball at him. Simon practically runs to the back table where everyone else, except Bram, who's class before this one was in a different building, and he would be a few minutes late. 

"Did y'all fuck?" Nick asks immediately as Simon sits down and Abby puts her hand over Nick's mouth. She begs him not to say anything stupid. Simon doesn't say anything in response, just shrugs his shoulders.

As if on cue, Bram walks into the room, and waves to his friends in the back. As he walks to join his friends at the table, he stops, takes Simon's chin in his hand, and gives him a gentle, loving kiss on the lips. Simon smiles and kisses him back, leaving their friends to stare shocked. 

Nick clears his throat and whispers as the teacher begins her lesson, "Did y'all fuck?"

"No, dumbass, we didn't fuck," Bram tells Nick and flicks him on the nose. Simon and Bram hold hands under the table, and Martin stares from a different table. 

From the emails that Abby and Leah sent, their chemistry teacher took an understanding to the group of near failing to average graded students and moved the somehow excelling Martin to a group of four girls, all who were failing. Martin tries to take a picture of Simon and Bram, only for the teacher to catch him and take his phone, storing it in her desk and claiming he can retrieve it after class. Simon flips off Martin as he goes back to his seat, and Leah declares, "Love wins, bitch."

"Enough with the language, Ms. Burke, and watch yourself, Mr. Spier," The teacher warns and goes back to her lesson. 

The five go back to their quiet discussion about Simon and Bram's, well, recent endeavors. "So, what happened? The date went that well?" Leah asks. 

Simon nods, "Yeah, he picked me up fashionably late like some sort of cool boy and I took too long picking an outfit I thought he'd like, and we went to get ice cream." He stops and waits for Bram to pick up where he left off.

"I took him to the park and we fucked around on the playground like kids, I pushed him on the swing, of course." This makes Simon giggle and place his head on Bram's shoulder. "He decides he's gonna jump off the swing like a kid, and he does, but he fucks up the landing and knocks his glasses off. I pick them up and put them back on him, and decided there, in that moment, it was now or never. And I kissed him." 

Abby says, "Aw." Leah has her hand over her heart and smile on her face. Nick whispers, "Boy gonna get it." Bram kicks Nick's knee under the table, causing Nick to gasp loudly in pain. Nick covers this up with a cough and asks in a whisper, "What led to you two sharing a bed?"

"Take a goddamn guess."

"Y'all fucked?"

"Nick, stop saying they fucked, honey," Abby says, trying hold in a laugh as the teacher sends them glares. 

Bram shakes his head. "We went back to my place and we kissed for like, I don't know, two hours, until Simon knocked out at midnight. Sleepy baby." Bram pinches Simon's cheek and Simon goes light pink, swatting him away with a Simon. Bram replaces the pinch on the cheek with a soft kiss.


	20. the gang hates the tumblr, but more importantly, they hate martin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw some homophobia in this chapter from asshole kids on the blog! also FUCK this martin. i know this is like. Extra but it's something this au martin would definitely do. also i said this fic was gonna be lighthearted this is about as heavy as it's gonna get.

simon says: bram

green grass: what do u want gay

simon says: call me gay again see what happens

simon says: touch my lips to your lips

simon says: kiss me softly

simon says: i bet you wont do it pussy

green grass: bet?

simon says: bet. 

Abby Suso: Simon, do not make a bet with Bram, he will one up you. 

simon says: im making a bet that my boyfriend wont kiss me

green grass: gingerly

simon says: okay he won the bet

Abby Suso: Are y'all together right now?

green grass: yeah

nick einstein: that's gay

green grass: you're gay

nick einstein: that's homophobic!!!!!!!!!

green grass: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

leah!!: woah bram i never think you'd stoop to that level

simon says: yeah bram wow homophobe

simon says changed the name of the group from vegas to bram the homophobe! 

green grass: HUUKJFSDHN

green grass: im being bullied i need an adult!!!!!

\---

Leah's at her computer while messaging the chat, smiling lightly towards the new chat name that Simon had put. She locked her put and put it on her desk next to her laptop, screen down. She scrolls through her Tumblr dash, as she normally does after school, and comes across a new post on the Creek Secrets blog. She reads it quietly to herself. 

_simon spier and bram greenfeld are a couple of fags. i saw them makin out in chemistry two days ago. -anon_

Leah blinks confused by the statement. She knows kids are dicks and all this kind of shit, but this was a blatant lie. Bram walked into class and kissed Simon on Monday, like boyfriends do. Curiosity gets the best of her and she clicks on the blog page, to see several other similar posts. She didn't even know that this went viral around the school yet. 

_Here's a photo of Br*m and S*mon holding hands from the other day! -A.L._

The photo is clearly from when Bram walked Simon to class the morning after he got outed, and Leah opens the photo full screen. She sighs, wonders why so many people have to be all up on her friends, and closes it. She continues to read. 

_Bram Greenfeld is waaayyy too cute to be gay. I believe this is a cover up to get more publicity on him. -anon_

_simon and i dated in middle school and he abandoned me at a pizza place. of course he's gay. -j.k._

_Simon Spier and Bram Greenfeld are, in fact, dating. Attached to this submission is a photo I take full credit for. If this isn't proof, I don't know what is. -Martin Addison_

Leah opens the photo immediately, and somehow feels slightly sick, not at the photo, but at the fact that it exists. It's of Bram and Simon in Simon's car, and they're making out, almost intensely. Simon's got his hand on Bram's chest and Bram's got his hand on the back of Simon's head. She sends a message to the owner of the account, with the message, "please take this down, stop encouraging people to invade others privacy." She shuts her computer and takes her phone out. She finds that submission on the mobile app and screenshots it, before frantically typing in the chat. 

\---

leah!!: UH

leah!!: SIMON BRAM

leah!!: PM NOW

\---

Private conversation between leah!! and green grass!

leah!! has added simon says to the chat! Say hi! 

simon says: are you okay leah??

green grass: what's going on?

leah!!: im gonna double kill martin addison

green grass: is he trying to get with you like he's tryna get with abby?

leah!!: worse

leah!!: (screenshot)

green grass: WHAT THE FUCK

simon says: THAT IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

simon says: how the fuck did he take that?

leah!!: he probably went into the parking lot after school saw yall going at it and took some pictures with the intention of embarrassing you guys

green grass: im not embarrassed im just pissed off

leah!!: martin "i have a gay brother so i cant be homophobic" addison

simon says: martin "im gonna practically stalk the two gay guys in my grade to expose them" addison

leah!!: bram where'd you go are you okay??

green grass: yeah.

green grass: im messaging him

leah!!: WHAT

simon says: NO HONEY DONT DO THAT

\---

Private message between green grass and Martin A.! 

green grass: martin. i am going to make this very fucking clear, and don't you dare say that you don't understand when i'm done. got it?

Martin A.: Whatever.

green grass: leave me and simon the fuck alone. i don't care how much you want notoriety for 'exposing' the two gay kids in the grade who happen to be into each other, i don't care how many fucking people are asking you to take pictures of us, i don't care if you're getting paid for this by those two fuckheads on the basketball team. if i ever find out again that you took photos of simon and i sharing a moment together, i will, and i don't use this phrase lightly, fuck you up. 

green grass: are we clear?

Martin A.: Are you threatening me, Mr. Greenfeld?

green grass: not at all, addison. i'm just making sure we're both on the same terms. you leave me and my boyfriend alone, we'll never speak again. leah finds another picture of me and my boyfriend on creek secrets, i'll fuck you up. 

green grass: your squeaky clean record will not be so squeaky clean anymore 

Martin A.: Wow. I really am scared. 

Martin A.: Fuck off, Bram. 

green grass: do you like being homophobic

Martin A.: I'm not homophobic, my brother's gay.

green grass: okay sure

green grass: leave us alone please

Martin A.: You got it.

Martin A. has blocked green grass! 

\---

green grass: so yeah i set martin straight

leah!!: what did he say?

nick einstein: wait what happened?

simon says: leah found a picture of me and bram making out in my car on the creek secrets tumblr that martin took credit for

Abby Suso: What the fuck?

Abby Suso: Did he actually take it? 

green grass: im assuming yes since the mans blocked me!!!!!!!!

simon says: welcome to the blocked by martin club leah and nick are the only ones not in it


	21. martin gets what's coming to him and the gang gets together.

green grass: YO HOLY SHIT

simon says: WHAT

nick einstein: BRAM ARE YOU OKAY

green grass: MARTIN GOT SUSPENDED

green grass: FOR HARASSMENT AND BULLYING

Abby Suso: YOOOO

green grass: YOOOO

leah!!: YOOOO

simon says: I LOVE THIS SONG? 

nick einstein: martin get vored ugly

simon says: NICK NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN

simon says: IM GONNA FUCKING STAB YOU IN THE NOSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Abby Suso: NO NO FIGHTING THIS IS A TIME FOR CELEBRATION

Abby Suso: AN ASSHOLE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED

simon says: IM HERE TO CELEBRATE BY SAYING WE SUCK SOME HARD CANDY AND SUCK SOME DICKS!!!!!!!!

leah!!: SIMON SHUTTHE FUCK UP

Abby Suso: Everyone, be over in fifteen. My parents are out this bitch til Monday, and I have the key to the liquor cabinet.

Abby Suso: We're having a fucking weekend long celebration as long as no one dies under my roof.

green grass: DRUNK GANG

green grass: can i come over now since i live. a block away.

Abby Suso: Let's go, binch.

green grass: si be ready in three im on my way

leah!!: pick me up too!!

nick einstein: and me

Abby Suso: Okay, so you're all coming over early. Gang. 

green grass: the true gang will be there in like seven minutes abby

Abby Suso: Ay yuh yuh.


	22. the gang gets drunk, simon and bram are dorks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i gave leah a love interest now but uh i havent read leah on the offbeat yet and cant til sunday if any of you fucking spoil it for me i will vore you and delete this

Private message between Abby Suso and green grass!

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

green grass: abby we're outside

Abby Suso: HOLY SHIT SHUT THE FUCK UP I WAS TAKING A PISS

\---

"She was taking a piss, give her a minute," Bram says, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

Abby's at the door about ten seconds later to see all her best friends in one area, and she smiles at them. Bram and Simon go into the house, one hand in each other's pockets, and Nick takes Abby's chin in his hands and kisses her gently. Simon notices how out of place Leah looks, being the only physically single person in the group, and throws his arms around her and hugs her tight. Leah laughs as Simon practically drags her inside.

There's a bottle of this mango flavored vodka in a small, ice filled carry on cooler on the coffee table that Abby's parents bought once for a party but never used. Now, it's theirs for the night. Bram picks up the bottle by the neck, and kisses the chilled body of it. Simon takes a picture of him, while Abby, Nick, and Leah step next to him and kneel in front of him and throw up double metal horns. Simon sets the photo as his wallpaper. 

Three hours later, as it hits ten pm, they're all at least tipsy. Simon, of course, is the lightest weight of them all, and is practically black out drunk after five shots. He's laying on the floor next to Bram, who is sitting up next to him. Bram holds his alcohol well, and is only tipsy on the same amount. Leah's wearing a pair of sunglasses she found in Abby's kitchen drawer, yet still functioning almost perfectly. Nick is feeding Abby pita chips with hummus. Simon has also found himself wearing Bram's hoodie. 

Simon is singing one of the songs from Oliver! but no one can tell which one it is because it's all out of key and slurred and he keeps giggling in the middle of lyrics. Bram keeps whispering, "Shh," and taking his face in his hands and kissing him all over. Simon keeps trying to yell lyrics but Bram's squishing his face and making him laugh. "Stop kissing me, you fucking homo," Simon laughs as he kisses Bram back hard, and ends up biting his lip in the process. 

Nick throws a pita chip at them and Simon screams as Nick says, "Keep it PG, boys." 

"Don't be homophobic, Nick," Leah and Abby say at the same time, Abby with a mouthful of hummus. Bram laughs and leans back, on one elbow and checking his phone with the other. He checks Snapchat stories, including one from Martin's brother. 

Martin's brother's recent story is a plain black screen with the usual white text. It says _"hey yall thanks for telling me about martin being a piece of shit im gonna body slam him out the window and make out with my bf in the living room"_

"Dudes, holy shit," Bram holds down the photo to keep it from skipping to the next story and faces his screen towards the rest of the group, waiting for them to read it, before putting it towards Simon so he can slowly read it in his drunken state. Before quietly declaring that he can't read it, then bursting out laughing, Bram tells him, "Someone expose Martin to his brother and now he's pissed."

When he turns back to the group, after Simon lets out a drunk victory scream, to see Abby and Leah high-fiving, before pulling each other into a tight hug, and Nick is spinning in a slow circle, drinking more of the mango vodka straight from the bottle. "Can we stan Martin's brother?" Bram asked, voice slightly strained as he gulps the liquor down hard. 

"Fuck yeah we can," Simon says, slurred. 

\---

The group goes to bed at about two in the morning, all of them slowly but surely sobering up. Leah takes the couch so she can sit up with the light on and text a cute girl who lives in Florida named Clara. She's this sweet Spanish lesbian with a lot of freckles who does make-up special effects, and Leah is so totally into her. They talk practically all night, until Clara has to go to bed at five in the morning when she remembers she has work at seven. They say goodnight and Leah sends her a yellow heart emoji. She doesn't know what that emoji means. Clara sends a pink one back. 

Nick and Abby take Abby's room, a room painted light brown with a nice carpet, and share her double bed. Nick falls asleep with his arms wrapped around Abby's waist, and Abby spends ten minutes trying to take a cute picture of them for her Instagram, and a few silly ones for their shared finsta. She posts the really nice one with a caption that says, _nothing like a night in bed._ Bram and Simon both comment at almost the same time, both saying _wear a condom._ Abby rolls over and kisses Nick on the lips before falling asleep with him. 

Simon is laying on his side with his head on Bram's chest. They're awkwardly positioned as they try to bully Abby into coming into the room to throw stuff at them. Simon's got one leg over Bram's legs, and Bram has one arm around Simon's shoulders. They've given up on commenting on every single photo on Abby's Instagram and result to making out, laughing and giggling and biting lips and it's innocent and sweet but leaves them both wanting more. "Go to bed, dork," Bram whispers against Simon's lips after Simon basically yawns into his mouth. Simon laughs and kisses Bram hard again, before whispering something incoherent and falling asleep.


	23. i've been shot!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY SORRY I DISAPPEARED FOR A HOT MINUTE MY LAPTOP WOULDNT LET ME SIGN INTO AO3 AND ALSO IM SO FUCKING SAD AND UNMOTIVATED ALL THE TIME BUT IM BACK NOW HELLO

Simon wakes to the force of him literally falling out of bed, and a yell from Bram. He blinks, looks down, then looks up at Bram, who looks just as concerned. He looks back at the foot of the bed at Abby, who is standing there with a with a Nerf gun. "Get up, boys, it's noon, breakfast time."

"Bet you didn't wake Nick up like this," Simon says with a yawn, brushing this hair out of his eyes, sitting with his legs crossed. 

He's right. Abby didn't wake Nick up like this because she herself had just woken up and Nick was still asleep. Bram gets out of bed and goes to her and, in a swift move, grabs a hold of the Nerf gun. They make quick eye contact, before Bram is booking it down the hall with the Nerf gun and Abby running after him. There's a pause where the only noise is feet pattering on wooden floor, then complete silence as Bram enters Abby's room. Silence for five seconds. Then, a blood-curdling scream, followed by Nick screaming, "I've been shot!" 

Bram's back in the room with Simon, diving into bed and hiding under the blanket like a child. Simon is for sure that he is sobbing from laughing so hard.

Abby gets in the room, hunched over and holding her belly, scream laughing uncontrollably. "What the fuck is going on up there!" Leah yells, her voice coming from the kitchen. Without stopping laughing, Abby makes her way downstairs to join Leah in the kitchen, who is making pancakes for everyone. 

"I've been shot that's what the fuck is going on!" Nick yells, following Abby down the stairs. 

After Nick's footsteps leave the staircase and he joins Abby and Leah in the kitchen, Bram pokes his head out of the blanket to look at Simon. Simon is red-faced, teary eyed, and struggling to breathe from laughing so hard. "Is it safe to come out?" Bram whispers. Simon, through a fit of choked laughs, nods. Bram wriggles off the bed, still wrapped in the blanket, and joins the red-faced Simon on the ground with a soft thud. Bram throws the blanket over him to cover both of them, and Simon just laughs harder, if that's even possible. 

Bram looks at Simon, and he feels so much adoration for him. His hand finds Simon's neck and pulls him in for a kiss, a kiss that is interrupted by sputtered giggles, short words, and Abby yelling from the bottom of the stairs, "Come the fuck down here, or at least use a condom!" 

The five of them at sat at the island in Abby's kitchen, Abby actually sitting on the island since there were only four seats tall enough to reach the top of the counter. She and Leah are feeding each other pancakes while Simon takes pictures of them for their social media accounts. Bram and Nick flick food at each other from opposite ends of the counter. "So," Bram says, addressing the group but not interrupting anything they're doing, "how are we doing with this whole ugly science project?"

"It's basically done," Leah says, shoving a forkful of pancake into Abby's mouth when she's distracted, causing her to laugh loudly and almost choke, "We have like, a few more things to do, but Simon and I have got that under control, right?" Leah looks to Simon, who is currently more interested in using his fork as a catapult to shoot a piece of banana into Nick's mouth, then to call him gay when he catches it. "Yeah, we're almost done," Leah answers for him. 

"We've got like, another week to do it or something, right?" Nick asks through a mouthful of food. Leah nods. "Damn, that deadline is coming up fast." 

"Nah, we'll get it done." 

\---

leah!!: WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT DONE

simon says: YEAH WE'RE FUCKED 

Abby Suso: I thought you guys said we were basically done?

leah!!: yeah we're done we just wanted to fuck with you guys

nick einstein: DIE

green grass: DIE

Abby Suso: DIE


	24. stop calling my mom thicc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY SLUTS AND NERDS MY COMPUTER BROKE AND NOW I HAVE A NEW ONE SO WE BACK IN BUSINESS BOYS!!!!!!!!

simon says: and now? we wait.

leah!!: what

green grass: for what

nick einstein: for what

Abby Suso: What. 

simon says: we wait

nick einstein: we wait

nick einstein: FOR WHAT

Abby Suso: Simon, what did you do?

simon says: a thing (:

leah!!: SIMON

green grass: im gonna break into ur window and kiss ur face if u dont tell us

simon says: we wait (:

Abby Suso: SIMON

simon says: i turned in our project we're done

green grass: YOU'RE SO FUCKING CRYPTIC I HATE U

simon says: i love you too babe uwu

nick einstein: simon if you Ever use the phrase uwu again i can

nick einstein: and i will

nick einstein: beat your ass

simon says: that's a hate crime

simon says: or should i say

simon says: a hate cwime uwu

Abby Suso: Simon, run. Nick is on his way.

simon says: NO

simon says: NONONONONO

simon says: NO BRAM RESCUE ME

green grass: cant rescue an uwu bitch

simon says: HSUT THE UFUCK UP

simon says: nick stood on my front lawn and double flipped me off until my mom told him to come inside

simon says: i just got hatecrimed 

nick einstein: ur mom scares me

nick einstein: she's hot but scary

simon says: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOM

leah!!: she is pretty thicc

simon says: DONT CALL MY MOM THICC!!!!!!!!!!

green grass: are we calling si's mom thicc

simon says: i hope you're all proud of yourselves

simon says: my mom is a good woman

Abby Suso: Milf.

simon says: NO!

green grass: HUDFJIKHIKUH THAT'S MY MOM IN LAW STOP IT

Abby Suso: Y'all aren't married yet I will call Mrs. Spier a milf until I die and you cannot stop me.


	25. martin tries to redeem himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative title to this chapter: martin still a bitch.

Private message between Martin A. and leah!!! 

Martin A.: Good morning, Leah. Can you please ask Simon to unblock me? 

leah!!: i like simon why would i do that

leah!!: let me rephrase that so u dont try to say leah wants to smash simon on the tumblr

leah!!: i have respect for simon and simon has self respect why would i let him talk to you

Martin A.: Name one thing I did wrong.

leah!!: how long do i have? 

Martin A.: I really walked into that, didn't I? 

leah!!: you most certainly did. 

leah!!: why do you want me to tell simon to unblock you

Martin A.: I want to apologize to him. He's a good kid who doesn't deserve what I put him through. 

leah!!: martin that might be the one good thing you've said all year

leah!!: ill let him know

\---

Private message between simon says and leah!!! 

leah!!: SIMON IMPORTANT OPEN UR PHONE

simon says: im watching porn are you dying

leah!!: god i wish u were dead

simon says: me too

simon says: my pee pee is still half out are you okay

leah!!: please put ur penis away this is gonna make your boner deflate

simon says: oh... no...

leah!!: martin wants you to unblock him

leah!!: and

simon says: no

simon says: no

simon says: no

simon says: no

leah!!: AND

simon says: no

simon says: no

leah!!: AND

simon says: no

leah!!: AND

leah!!: MOTHERFUCKER

leah!!: AND

leah!!: he wants to apologize to you

simon says: i do not believe that is true but i trust u more than i trust anyone

simon says: so i'll do this for you

simon says: and i'll update you

\---

Private message between Martin A. and simon says!

simon says has unblocked Martin A.! 

simon says: you have ten minutes

Martin A.: I'm sorry. 

Martin A.: I don't know how to be true sincere over text but I'm sorry for posting the private photos on the Tumblr. 

Martin A.: You're still a bitch and I fucking hate you but you didn't deserve that. 

simon says: okay but. what did i do to you. 

Martin A.: You're just a bitch. 

Martin A.: I just fuckin' hate you because you're a bitch and you're annoying.

Martin A.: You're like every cheerleader in every movie ever. Annoying and loud and over the top.

simon says: nice to meet you martin i'm a gay bitch

Martin A.: Understandable, but you're still fucking annoying. 

Martin A.: Also I know for a fact you told my brother what I did. 

simon says: i didn't do that but okay. 

\---

Private message between simon says and leah!!!

simon says: (screenshot of chat)

leah!!: did you do it?

simon says: yeah lol

leah!!: IUHDILGHIF I HATE YOU 

\---

Private message between simon says and Martin A.!

Martin A.: Whatever. 

Martin A.: I'm truly sorry for what I did, though. You're a good kid who is just trying to be his true self.

simon says: i appreciate that martin i truly do but that doesn't change what you did to me

Martin A.: I know.

Martin A.: I just hope we can be civil when I return from my suspension on Wednesday. 

Martin A.: Truce?

simon says: yeah sure

simon says: truce.


	26. twinkphobia: a love story

simon says: does anyone know why martin tried to suck my ass

green grass: honey 

green grass: please for once think before you speak

simon says: I MEANT BE A KISS ASS

simon says: im really dumb im sorry

green grass: ur my dumb sweet boy i love u

simon says: i love u too

Abby Suso: Enough with the gay shit. Simon, Martin tried to apologize to you?

simon says: yeah it was weird and out of nowhere

simon says: he contacted me and was like "im sorry u still a bitch but i was being a bitch too"

leah!!: i didnt read the whole convo but im certain he said that

nick einstein: maybe he wants back in on our group?

nick einstein: because our project is BOMB AS FUCK

leah!!: HUIGFI SHUT UP

simon says: he said he felt bad about the pictures which means his brother probably body slammed him

nick einstein: I MEAN YEAH

nick einstein: bram can u pick me up for soccer tomorrow

green grass: ya

nick einstein: thanks i love u

green grass: i love u too

simon says: my dad is dating my bf now

Abby Suso: Hey, so, die. 

leah!!: idea as to why martin apologized other than out of the goodness of his heart

Abby Suso: Lay it on me, bitch.

leah!!: does martin addison is gay?

simon says: SHUT UP

simon says: LEAH NO JOKE SHUT THE FUCK UP

green grass: GOD I HOPE THAT'S SO FUCKED

simon says: martin addison get away from my twink ass please and thank you

green grass: yeah thats my twink ass martin fuck off

nick einstein: now we know who tops

simon says: SHUT UP

simon says: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SAY IT

green grass: OH FUCK PRESS F TO PAY RESPECTS

leah!!: IHFDSIDFHIGOF I FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD

leah!!: also who's ready to see if we failed our science project on friday

Abby Suso: DONT CHANGE THE SUBJECT

nick einstein: YEAH SIMON TWINK BITCH

nick einstein changed the name of the group from bram the homophobe to SIMON SPIER: TWINK BITCH!

simon says: THIS IS FUCKING TWINKPHOBIC

simon says: also im ready to get an a on this motherfucking project

nick einstein: new project on twinkphobia

simon says: FUCK OFF FDHIUGKHFUIUHL


	27. simon doesn't know how to FUCKING BEHAVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey im tryna wrap this up by chapter thirty so here's some messy plot. ALSO I HATE MARTIN IN THIS AU SO MUCH BUT IM A BAD WRITER AND DIDN'T DEVELOP THIS BECAUSE IT'S OVERALL SILLY AND SHIT BUT WHATEVER MARTIN'S FUCKIN ANNOYING IN THIS AU

green grass: SO

green grass: MOTHERFUCKIN STORY TIME

green grass: BECAUSE SIMON DOESNT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING BEHAVE AND ALMOST GOT HIS ASS BEAT AT GARRETT'S PARTY

green grass: BY FUCKIN MARTIN

green grass: STORY TO BE CONTINUED I GOTTA SNEAK DRUNK AND HALF ASLEEP SIMON BACK INTO HIS HOUSE

green grass: I KNOW IM TYPING IN ALL CAPS BUT IM ON THE VERGE OF THROWING UP FROM LAUGHING SO HARD

leah!!: DO YOU NEED HELP

Abby Suso: What the fuck is going on? 

leah!!: SIMON ALMOST GOT HIS ASS BEAT THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON

nick einstein: OUR SIMON?

Abby Suso: NICK WHAT OTHER SIMON WOULD IT BE

green grass: HI IM HERE IM BACK HIS FRONT DOOR WAS UNLOCKED AND I JUMPED OUT HIS BEDROOM WINDOW

leah!!: YOU GOT A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO

green grass: IM PULLIN OUT HIS DRIVEWAY HOLD UP BITCH LEMME PARK ON THE STREET SO I DONT FUCKIN THROW UP

Abby Suso: PLEASE

Abby Suso: TAKE YOUR TIME

nick einstein: IM LIKE ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE

green grass: OKAY

green grass: SO

green grass: IM PUTTING THIS ALL IN ONE MESSAGE SO I DONT FUCKING DIE

leah!!: OKAY

nick einstein: TYPE FASTER

nick einstein: THE TEA BETTER BE SCOLDING 

Abby Suso: TYPE FASTER

green grass: SIMON AND I WERE PLAYING BEER PONG AS WE USUALLY DO AT PARTIES AND APPARENTLY MARTIN STILL GOT BEEF AND TRIED TO TAKE US ON WITH CAL EVEN THO CAL SUCKS AT BEER PONG BUT MARTIN'S NOT AWFUL SO UH SIMON GOT DRUNK ON ABOUT FOUR BEERS AND WHEN SIMON'S ABOUT TO MAKE A SHOT HE GOES "MARTIN IF I MAKE THIS I GET TO FUCK YOUR BROTHER" COMPLETELY AS A JOKE AND I START LAUGHING AND MARTIN FUCKIN CHUCKS A PING PONG AT SIMON NOT TOSSES AS A JOKE OR WHATEVER FULL ON CHUCKS IT NAILS HIM IN THE EYE AND I THINK HIS WHOLE BEEF IS BECAUSE SI'S GAY AND HIS BROTHER IS GAY HE FULLY THOUGHT THAT SIMON WAS GONNA TRY TO GET WITH HIS BROTHER OR WHATEVER BUT THAT'S NOT HAPEPNING BECAUSE MARTIN'S BROTHERS LIKE? OVER 18? I THINK? AND ALSO SIMON HAS A BOYFRIEND? SO SIMON CANT STAND UP STRAIGHT BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING DRUNK BUT MARTIN COMES OVER AND SHOVES HIM AND IM LIKE WOAHWOAHWOAH IT'S JUST SOME TRASH TALKING AND CAL COMES TO PULL MARTIN OFF THIS SHIT AND MARTIN SWINGS A PUNCH AND IT'S ALL SUCH A BLUR AFTER THAT BUT SIMON ONLY GOT HIT WITH A PING PONG BALL AND CALLED MARTIN A BITCH

green grass: IT'S SO FUCKED BUT IT'S SO GODDAMN FUNNY 

green grass: ALSO YALL GOT NO GODDAMN PATIENCE 

nick einstein: WAS MARTIN DRUNK? 

green grass: YA A LITTLE 

leah!!: HE A BITCH

green grass: WHATEVER LET'S JUST USE THIS MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT HOW SIMON DOESNT KNOW HOW TO TURN ON THE FILTER BETWEEN HIS BRAIN AND HIS MOUTH WHEN HE'S HAD MORE THAN ONE BEER

Abby Suso: YEAH FUVKHKGHL SIMON TRYNA TRASH TALK MARTIN IS REALLY FUNNY OHDNJFBGN

nick einstein: "i'll fuck ur brother" "OVER MY DEAD BODY"

green grass: HFVUGFIDKHSRJFIGHK SHUT UP

green grass: SO YEAH MARTIN APOLOGIZED TO SIMON BUT PROBABLY DIDN'T MEAN IT BECAUSE HE WAS BOUTTA BODY SLAM SIMON AT THE PART FOR SAYING HE WAS GONNA FUCK HIS BROTHER

leah!!: IM GONNA PASS OUT

Abby Suso: I HATE THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING PLEASE STOP BRINGING SIMON TO PARTIES

nick einstein: HOW THE FUCK DOES SIMON KNOW HOW TO PLAY BEER PONG

Abby Suso: NICK HONEY WE TAUGHT HIM

nick einstein: OH FUCK FFDHUIDH

green grass: YEAH GARRETT'S PARTY WAS WILD BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR VIDEOS OF THEM ALMOST FIGHTING ON SNAPCHAT


	28. simon and bram are in love and i hate them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up i love them so goddamn much who wanna be my bf
> 
> alternate title could be uhhh this au ruined my life because i cried while writing this

Private message between simon says and green grass! 

simon says: WHAT THE FUCK

green grass: DID YOU JUST WAKE UP

simon says: IT'S 5 PM

simon says: BUT YEAH

simon says: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

simon says: MY EYEBALL HURTS

green grass: READ UP IN THE GC

simon says: DID I DRINK LAST NIGHT?

green grass: YYYYYYYYYYEAH

simon says: WHY

simon says: GIVE ME THE TL;DR VERSION OF THAT STORY THAT SHIT'S LONG

green grass: FUDIHKKJGI TL;DR GARRETT'S PARTY WE PLAYED BEER PONG AGAINST MARTIN AND CAL MARTIN THREW A GOLF BALL AT YOU AFTER YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA FUCK HIS BROTHER

simon says: OH MY FUCKING GOD

simon says: WERE MY PARENTS AWAKE

green grass: UR DAD WAS INSIDE WATCHIGN SURVIVOR HE JUST WAVED AT ME I COULDNT WAVE AT HIM BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING CARRYING YOU

simon says: UDGHOSFIUDGHFIU I HATE THIS 

simon says: IT'S ALL OVER SNAPCHAT I CNANOT FUCKIGN BELIEVE THIS

green grass: ARE YOU MAD

simon says: I MEAN NO MY EYE HURTS SO IM IRRITATED BUT IM NOT MAD THIS IS FUCKING HYSTERICAL 

simon says: I FEEL LIKE THE MR KRABS MEME

simon says: TAG URSELF AS A CAPTION ON THE ME AND MARTIN FIGHT ON SNAPCHAT

simon says: IM "FUCKIN GAY BITCH BOY TRYN SOME SHIT" 

green grass: HFSDUSIJOAGHDKUIF WHATH HTEUGJKY

green grass: IM "please stop fighting" FROM CAL'S STORY

simon says: UFBGDLIGSDHFUDILH I HATE THAT

green grass: DO U NEED ANYTHING

simon says: can u bring me fuckin uhhhhh fruit juice 

green grass: of course baby ill be over in fifteen

simon says: i love u so much hwaht the fuck

green grass: i love u more u bastard 

simon says: UR THE BASTARD

simon says: i still love u so much

green grass: ILL BODY SLAM U but u got a bad eye and a hangover and i love you too much 

simon says: HUDKGYHF SHUT THE FUCK UP i love you more

simon says: my parents are at work the back door is unlocked nora's probably in the living room though so just like throw a peace sign up at her 

green grass: im gonna buy ur sister something from the gas station

simon says: HSNDUIOSHOGF BET

green grass: ILL BE THERE IN LIKE TWENTY


	29. they're so fucking in love

Bram comes in through the back of the house, a plastic bag with juice and snacks wrapped around his wrist. "Nora?" He calls out, shaking the bag when there's no response, "I have snacks?" 

"I'm in the living room!" 

Bram laughs and shuts the screen door behind him, locking it. He makes his way through the house, littered with picture frames. He stops for a second to look at a picture of Simon and his dad fishing, and it makes him smile. He wrestles his phone out of his pocket, takes a photo of the picture, and sends it in the chat. 

\---

green grass: (photo)

green grass: NEWBORN BABY

leah!!: OH YMFEUDHUHOFG

Abby Suso: WE STAN

nick einstein: HOYL SHUFKFGIGNNH

simon says: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HALLWAY

simon says: MY JUICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

green grass: JFGIUDKHG IM COMING BITCH

\---

Bram goes into the living room to find Nora, sprawled out on the couch in a pair of sweatpants and a big t-shirt, one that she clearly stole from her older sister Alice. "Nora, you like these, right?" Bram goes into the plastic bag, rummages a bit, and pulls out a bag of some sort of healthy chip that he's almost certain he's heard Nora talk about. She smiles at him and nods, and he tosses the bag to her. "I'm gonna go check on your brother, you need anything?" 

"Could you come here for a second?" She asks softly, popping the bag open. 

Nora's young but wise, and Bram knows that he's about to have some sort of deep conversation with this kid. Bram walks over to her and she pats the couch next to her, and he laughs but sits next to her. She eats a chip, mumbles something about them being good, and puts them off to the side. Bram chuckles and turns his head towards her. 

She turns herself towards him and puts her hands on her knees, then asks straight up, "Do you love my brother?" 

Bram laughs nervously and moves his hand to his head, scratching his hair. "I... I really care about him a lot. He really means the world to me, Nora. He brightens up my day and he makes me laugh, even on my dark days, and if I'm being honest, that's kinda hard to do something." Nora gives a small laugh and Bram relaxes a little. "And he cares a lot about me too, I know he does. He's my best friend, but he's also my best friend that I get to kiss and shit- stuff, sorry. And I..." Brams lets out a soft breath, "Yeah, I-I think I love him. I love him a lot. Holy shit- crap. Crap. I love him a lot." 

Nora laughs and pats him on the back. "I'm just asking, because I know he loves you a lot." 

Bram tears up and laughs a little, before clearing his throat. "Where's uh, where's your bathroom?"

"Across the hall from Simon's room. You've spent the night here before, Bram." 

"Yeah, yeah, I knew that..."

Nora laughs and takes his hand off his shoulder, and Bram goes off with a wave to Nora. Nora waves back as Bram goes up the stairs, and turns right towards the bathroom inside of left towards Simon's room. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and texts Nick.

\---

Private message between green grass and nick einstein!

green grass: I'M CRYING IN SIMON'S BATHROOM WHAT THE FUCK

nick einstein: WHAT HAPPENED

nick einstein: ARE YOU OKAY

green grass: YEAH

green grass: HIS SISTER NORA WAS LIKE

green grass: DO YOU LOVE HIM

green grass: AND I WENT THE FUCK OFF ON HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND IM LIKE HGDUFIOSHGYUHF I LVOE HIM SO MCUHTG AND SHE PAT ME ON THE BACK AND WAS LIKE "I KNOW HE LOVES YOU A LOT"

green grass: AND IM IN SIMONS BATHROOM NOW CRYING HOLDING JUICE THAT HE ASKED ME TO GET HIM

nick einstein: THATS SO MUCH I LOVE NORA WHAT TEHFUDYIJDGKFHIDJHJF IM GONAN CRY 

green grass: WHAT DO I DO

nick einstein: CLEAN URSELF UP THEN FEED THE LOVE OF UR LIFE SOME JUICE BITCH

green grass: GOOD IDEA

\---

After cleaning his face with some cold water and a washcloth, he goes back into the hall and knocks on Simon's door. "I'm coming inside in two seconds, so put your dick away." Bram pushes the door open and there lays Simon in the dark room, laughing really hard. 

"I fucking hate you," Simon says, putting his hand over his face, which is red from laughing. 

Bram smiles at Simon and holds up the bag, "You didn't say what kind of juice, so I got you like, six or something. Move over," Bram asks him, and climbs into his bed next to him. Simon laughs as Bram snuggles up to him immediately, putting his head on his shoulder and passing the bag onto Simon. He opens the juices, to find stuff like lemonade and orange juice, to stuff like grape with apple and cranberry with raspberry. 

Simon turns and plants a kiss on Bram's kiss. "Have I told you that I'm in love with you?" 

"I love you more, babe," Bram replies, and nips at Simon's neck, leaving a soft kiss. 

They lay in bed and talk for hours on end, spamming the group chat with photos of them and their Snapchat stories with kissing photos or hand holding photos, just to remind people that they are, still, very gay together. Bram tells Simon what he talked about with Nora and Simon almost cries, but stops himself by kissing Bram, and reminding him how much he loves him. 

They fall asleep together.


	30. grade reveal

simon says: GUYS

simon says: SCIENCE PROJECT GRADES

simon says: THEYRE UP CHECK THE PORTAL

leah!!: SOMEONE GET THE GRADE AND DROP IT IN THE CHAT

nick einstein: (screenshot)

nick einstein: A B PLUS!!!!!!!!!!

Abby Suso: NICK HONEY THAT'S A B MINUS

nick einstein: STILL BETTER THAN A B

green grass: THAT IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT CORRECT BUT IT'S STILL A GOOD GRADE!!!!!!

leah!!: LIST OF THINGS WE DID: THAT

Abby Suso: WE FUCKIN DID IT

Abby Suso: WE DIDN'T FUCKIN FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

simon says: I REALLY FUCKIN THOUGTH WE FLUNKED THAT SINCE WE ALL FUCKIN SUCK IN THIS CLASS

green grass: B MINUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abby Suso: FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

nick einstein: LIFE IS GOOD

leah!!: WE ARE LIVIN THAT LIFE

green grass: WE ARENT GONNA HAVE TO REPEAT CHEMISTRY!!!!!!!!!

leah!!: IM LITERALLY GONNA THROW UP IM SO FUCKING HAPPY

leah!!: I REALLY REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA FAIL THAT SHIT

Abby Suso: I AM ACTUALLY CRYING OVER THIS B MINUS

Abby Suso: WE ARE SO GOOD AT CHEMISTRY??????????

nick einstein: BUNCHA CHEMISTRY KINGS AND QUEENS RIGHT HERE

simon says: WE ARE A BUNCHA SMART BITCHES

green grass: SIMON COME KISS ME IM SO HAPPY

simon says: IM TAKING A SHIT HOLD ON

leah!!: STOP BEING GAY FOR ONE DAMN SECOND SO WE CAN CHANT

Abby Suso: HOLY FUCK

leah!!: B MINUS

Abby Suso: B MINUS

nick einstein: B MINUS

green grass: B MINUS

simon says: B MINUS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so so so much fun to write and im so so so happy you guys followed me along while writing this. im glad i could make yall laugh and cry and do all that fun shit im love you all


End file.
